Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
