are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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