i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
