God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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