Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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