I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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