I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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