I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
