some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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