Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
