Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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