i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
