dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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