His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
