Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
