The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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