last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
