last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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