I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
