Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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