I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
