I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
