zippers are such a cool invention
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
