You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
