phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize