Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
