my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She has the best kind of daddy issues
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
