and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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