I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
