my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
