I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Me too!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
