I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
