three words: i give head
three words: not that well
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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