Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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