Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
