Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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