Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
