john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Text me some of your sweat
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
