please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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