brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
