I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
