i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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