HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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