When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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