Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
