Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
