Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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