so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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