history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
In other news, I just burned my penis
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
