Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
