Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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