it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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