she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
