you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
