I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
