Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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