i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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