a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
