How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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