When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The air was thick with penises
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
